Faithful Surrender

Over the past 13 months, I've become deeply acquainted with the tension between giving up and true surrender. I've been navigating a healing journey that came out of nowhere on April 4th, 2025, riding on the heels of an already difficult season. It hit me from every side: physically, mentally/emotionally, and spiritually. And to share openly, I’ve never been hit that hard, and it scared me.

In ministry school, one of my dearest friends called me a bulldozer in the spirit. She said that as she was praying for me, she saw that I am ferocious in my faith and will level every obstacle like a bulldozer. I laughed and said, “That sounds about right!” This resonated with me because I had often gone to war in prayer for those I love and for myself in many hard seasons. I was the one people came to when they needed encouragement, a shoulder to lean on, or prayer. My faith in the Lord Jesus' ability to conquer every foe had been unwavering.

But what happens when you are used to being the "strong one" [physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally] and one day you just don’t have the strength to be strong anymore?

We hear the narrative constantly bombarding us to PERFORM, or “pull yourself up by your bootstraps and soldier on,” but if we’re being honest with ourselves, this way of “being” has served to produce a lot, but it’s left broken bodies all along the path towards a false sense of success.

I can weigh in on this because I was one of those voices, and for that, I am deeply sorry. I spent years living this way, and 13 months ago, that piece of the pie came flying right into my face.

I’ve been in a deep wilderness season, and the Lord has met me here in both subtle and profound ways.

This morning, while I was on the weekly Zoom call with a group of incredible women I joined 4 months ago, we were asking the medical team questions about all things women’s health. I listened while I lay in my bed (camera off), exhausted. I could feel myself running the wish list of how I’d like to show up for the calls - dressed, hair done, makeup on, and well rested, but that just wasn’t the case today.

After all the questions were answered by the amazing team of professionals, we shifted into my favorite part of the call each week - Lectio Divina.

If you’ve never heard of this term, Lectio Divina is a time of focused prayer and meditation on a particular scripture or passage in the Bible that involves listening to the Holy Spirit and journaling. Time set aside to put Jesus first in your journey and allow Him to speak into your heart, renew your mind, and recalibrate the way you approach your healing journey.

This morning’s passage was Joshua 1:5-7

5 No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. 6 Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their ancestors to give them.

7 “Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.

I smiled with my head lying on my pillow as I listened to one of the coaches read the scripture aloud for the first time. The Holy Spirit was already speaking to me, as I have been in the book of Joshua for the past week.

Once she finished reading the passage out loud for the first time, we then went into a time of journaling. I was too tired to grab my journal to write, so I continued to lie on my pillow, and I asked Jesus what it looked like for me to be strong and courageous right now. And as the question rolled off my tongue all of my ideas of what I believed that would look like began to form in my mind:

• Put together

• Able to get up early and seize the morning before the sun is up.

• Show up to these morning calls dressed and ready for the day.

• Crushing life on all fronts…

And then His still small, powerfully piercing voice cut through the montage of my ideas, and He said, “You’re doing it.”

Me? The one lying here on a pillow still in her pajamas struggling to start her day…I’m strong and courageous?!

Tears began to fill my eyes as His compassion washed over me, and He gave me His eyes to see that He isn’t asking me to live according to the world’s standards of hustle, grind, push through, etc.

No, His compassion never ceases. His loving kindness abounds. His ways are NOT our ways. And the Good Shepherd never overdrives His sheep. He knows our limits, and His pace and path for us is saturated with grace.

“A bruised reed He will not break…” - Isaiah 42:3

While I’ve made significant progress on this healing journey, the truth is, I still have hard days. And today just happened to be one of them.

I don’t know who needs to hear this like I did this morning, but the Father sees you, and He just wants to hold you right now. Your faithful surrender of letting go and giving every burden to Him as you fall into His loving arms is being STRONG & COURAGEOUS.

Your inability to do anything else besides whisper, “Jesus, help,” is strong and courageous.

You saying no and resting rather than just “pushing through” is strong and courageous.

You letting go of control and handing over the reins to Jesus, where He becomes LORD and HEALER in your life is strong and courageous.

My friend, your life, your heart, your precious soul mean more to Jesus than what you will ever do. Don’t allow the hustle narrative of this world to become the script you live your life by. Jesus’ ways are higher. His Kingdom is not of this world. Seek Him in prayer and the scriptures.

I even invite you to do your own Lectio Divina today with the passage below. Because my friend, you are loved, and Jesus is enough.

Matthew 11:27-30 MSG

Jesus resumed talking to the people, but now tenderly. “The Father has given me all these things to do and say. This is a unique Father-Son operation, coming out of Father and Son intimacies and knowledge. No one knows the Son the way the Father does, nor the Father the way the Son does. But I’m not keeping it to myself; I’m ready to go over it line by line with anyone willing to listen.

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”